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Frederick,
So I’m sitting at my desk working on my design project, a place I
seem to be all the time these days, and Chris comes home from work and
brings in the mail. A letter from Frederick! Yeah! So I took a break from
painting and wow-had the shit kicked out of me. Great fun to meditate
on all of that well into the night as I finished my project. So I read
your letter, and then read it again, and then again. And I debated whether
to write back or not. Didn’t really seem like you wanted me to. But
the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to explain my side of things,
because I don’t think I am as guilty as you seem to think...
Specifically about not saying goodbye. EXCUSE ME? I never really did get
the chance to tell you how much it sucked at school when I’d try
to talk to you and you’d blow me off, most of the time pretty harshly.
No, I didn’t dig any deeper, you certainly didn’t act like you
wanted me to. And then the last day of class you walk off without any
real goodbye, and as you walked to your car I felt like I’d been
punched. And I didn’t want to call??? Jesus, Frederick, I certainly
missed the cues that you would have WANTED me to.
I can more easily understand the anger at getting a fucking postcard.
And believe it or not, I was not what I had originally intended. After
the stress of actually driving across the country and then being homeless
for a couple of weeks, and things slowed down, I sat down and began pouring
out all of the things I’d wanted to share with you. I cannot even
begin to describe to you how much of this has reminded me of Italy, and
how much of it I would have liked to share with you. Yes, YOU. And then
mid-letter I paused and I thought, what am I doing? I was all set to say,
Come out and visit! But to what end? I still seem to find myself in a
place where I want something easy and convenient. You don’t want
that, and it certainly isn’t fair to you. I was afraid a long involved
letter would send the wrong message. So I sent a postcard with my address,
hoping you would still want some semblance of contact. Because I do think
about you.
Right before I left I was on major overload, and then suddenly living
out of hotels and driving for hours a day left me a great deal of time
to think. (Now this is important. As I talk here I very well may contradict
what I have said in the past. I do that A LOT. Shannon used to get crazy
over the fact that my method of figuring myself out is to have sudden
revelations at random which totally change my perspective of things. So
what I’m describing now is my take on things presently. ) In fact,
I spend a lot of my daily life in school and at my new place alone, so
the introspection has been deep and thorough. So here goes. With all the
traveling and exploring new places I was reminded of you and of Italy
constantly. Especially now that I’ve moved into my new place, because
I’m blocks away from Golden Gate Park and a 45-minute bike ride away
from the Pacific, and all the exploring I’ve been doing on my pony
has left you in my head a lot. Frederick, Italy was one of the most incredible
experiences of my life. And you were a huge part of that. While I may
not have been willing to admit it, or recognize it, or what, I don’t
know, but it was amazing. It se the tone of what I expect from and want
my life to be like from now on. I haven’t been so in sinc with anyone,
ever. And so I kept asking myself, what’s up with this? If that was
so much of exactly what I want... what’s the problem? And I don’t
really know, Frederick. After plenty of extensive discussion with Melanie
about the situation, I feel like it’s all in one thing I said... ”I
should love him... ” But there’s no should in love. You either
do or you don’t.
I know that has to do with what I’ve been through and where I am
emotionally. It’s only been in the last couple of months that love
hasn’t been this monstrous horned creature I detested. So a big factor
would be that I simply wasn’t ready. And then there’s the fact
that for me we just didn’t... click. And that I cannot explain. For
someone who I had so much in common with, who I had such sexual chemistry
with... why not? Why no click? So I’ve looked at the people I have
clicked with, and I found something slightly disturbing. I’ve only
clicked with boys who I had very difficult relationships with... relationships
much resembling the one I had with my father. Great. Wonderful.
It hurt a lot, the A) stupid B) emotional issues C) evil categories. I
don’t think I’m stupid, Frederick, just a little slow. I know
I trained you to show virtually no emotion to me, but as a result... it
didn’t always seem real. Let me explain. At UGA, when I would burst
into fits of crying at random and was hormonally fucked at thought constantly
about suicide and finally cut out, Lydia was lost. I’d told her about
my feelings, but she never had the opportunity to witness it, because
Shannon was always there, picking up the pieces. So it didn’t really
seem real to her, as it might have if she’d had to comfort me through
the whole thing. You rarely showed me your emotions, Frederick, I know,
I know, for fear I’d freak. But as a result the situation didn’t
always seem so drastic, so real. I’m not a very empathetic person,
so I figured if you acted okay everything was okay, and when you got cold
I figured you just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Your
letter was a surprise. I’d had in my head a previous letter where
you described getting more extraverted and piecing several people together
to give you what I did. I just figured you were doing fine... I didn’t
mean at all to wreak havoc on your life by sending you the postcard. Maybe
I’m a little dense, maybe self-absorbed, but not stupid. And while
I responded very negatively to the accusation that I have emotional issues... well... yeah.
I do. It took me two years to get beyond all that shit with Shannon, and
now that I’m ready again to try things I have my history with my
father to contend with. Truth be told, though, I’m still in no place
for a relationship. They weren’t kidding about the work load at school,
I have NO free time, but you know what? I love it. So that’s my focus
now. And while I may find love and the idea of relationship attractive
again, I’m not ready. And you know how I made any serious discussion
so difficult for us? I’m finding I’m that way with anyone I
have any kind of relationship with. It gets a little difficult and I say,
uh-uh, no way, thanks, don’t want to go there. So yea, I do have
issues to work out.
Evil? Wow, it sucks huge to think that. I never meant you any harm Frederick.
I’m sorry you had to suffer because of shit I should have been dealing
with. I’m sorry my freakedoutedness about committing time to people
in my life cause you pain. But I want to let you know that I do care about
you, and I have for a long time. For what it’s worth. You are something
very special, I hope you know that.
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